Since 2015, the DovahQueen has been taking your questions and giving advice to improve your games. Now the tables are turned in this DovahQueen series; Loren is asking the questions and a panel of guests answers. It’s time to Bend the Knee!
First, let’s meet today’s guests.
Guests – Dice Will Roll
Hey gang! I’m Derry, the Genderfluidiest GM of Dice Will Roll! I’m a soon-to-be college graduate studying Animation & Illustration, and since I was a little kid, I wanted to tell stories to the world. Maybe it’s the seannachtaí culture of Ireland, where I’m born and raised, that celebrates tales being told through word of mouth by the travelling bards… Maybe it’s an overactive imagination fueled by rampant ADHD and an avenue to talk for hours and have people happily listen. The world may never know!
I started into tabletop relatively recently, only jumping into it towards the end of highschool which was like, 5 years ago. But don’t mistake my relative newness to the hobby as me being a greenhorn; I’ve ferociously devoured any and all Tabletop content I could since then, having clocked in over 2.6k hours in Roll20, GM’d 11 full campaigns, played in 8 more, published my own 300+ page TTRPG, Subgrubs & Snazzards, built from the grounds up for the Homestuck community, and practically purchased every book ever published by Paizo. I’m mildly interested in Tabletop, you might say!
Other than that, like I said, I’m an animator, preparing to release my final year project in May and ultimately try to get a job in some of Ireland’s most prestigious animation studios, like Cartoon Saloon or Lighthouse Studios. Beyond tabletop, I hope to be a director for animated movies one day, so all going well, you might see a movie I helped make at the Oscars one day! You can find my art @derryzumi on Twitter or Instagram, if you’re looking for the occasional dose of cartoon character design!
Hello! My name is Dave, and I’m the resident paladin lover of Dice Will Roll. I have very strong opinions on alignment, and I think people fundamentally misunderstand how great Lawful Good characters are, and every day it kills me a little. I’m kidding, of course, but Paladins really are the coolest class mechanically and flavorfully, and I’ll fight anyone on that! Please don’t actually fight me.
I’ve been playing TTRPGs since about 2017, and I started out with Pathfinder 1st Edition, and although these days I pretty much exclusively play Pathfinder 2nd Edition, I have played games like Monster of the Week, Lancer, Dungeons and Dragons, and a few other indie games like Princess the Hopeful or Lewd Grannies! I’ve been playing characters like Alden Felstad and Royari San Sarnax in Dice Will Roll, and I love every character I make dearly. I like to stream games sometimes, mostly Minecraft, and I’m an artist who is just a little bit upset that I can’t become a knight. What do you mean, the Queen has to knight me? I don’t want the blessing of the monarchy! It’s unfair! You can find me on twitter @lawfuigood, or on Twitch @knightvigilant. I have a theme going on, if you couldn’t tell.
My name is Ritz! I’m a player and editor for Dice Will Roll. About four years ago was when I really got into TTRPG, Pathfinder 1st Edition was what I started out with and Pathfinder 2nd Edition is what I’m playing nowadays! I got roped into the game by my friends and haven’t been able to live without it since. I’ve played other systems such as 5e, Lancer, and MOTW, and have had fun with them- but I’m very partial to Pathfinder and its lore as a whole.
In my time on Dice Will Roll I’ve played Ichor Eteocles and Volio Via, as well as a few other characters during the 2nd edition playtest. When I’m not playing or editing though, I’m a digital artist with a deep love for game design and terribly weird plush toys like furbys and custom-made monstrosities, which I have a small but growing collection of.
About Dice Will Roll
Dice Will Roll is the self proclaimed Gayest Pathfinder Podcast on the planet, and for a reason. When the PF2 Playtest was announced, we were all hyped to see it, and wanted to see people play it. It was at that point as we scoured all the podcasts out there that has people like us on them; that is to say, in our early 20s, gay, gender non conforming and neurodivergent. This isn’t to devalue the amazing work of other content creators, but to create content for what might sound like a niche group to people not in it, but it has its whole unique culture and sense of humour separate to the rest of the world, like catgirls in stockings or the term “herbo turbo milf”!
We decided we wanted to make content for people like us who didn’t have anywhere else to get this content- and now, 110 episodes later, two campaigns in and hundreds upon thousands of plays later, it seems we made the right choice. If you aren’t part of our niche, 100% don’t feel like you aren’t welcome, either- we’d love to show you our world, and what the new blood coming into the hobby and fueling it to unprecedented heights is bringing to the table. We played Kingmaker, converted to Pathfinder 2nd Edition, and are currently playing Extinction Curse with a party featuring a pan demonic changeling sorcerer with a passion for fire, a dazzling genderfluid swashbuckler who, despite advocating for theft and vandalism, is somehow still a devout worshipper of the goddess of justice and an Aasimar-Elf Barbarian-Witch Clown with a Furby familiar. Don’t ask.
Intending to treat yourself to a cup from your favorite coffee shop, you accidentally stumble into Samroald’s Travelling Emporium. As you look around, you notice that the store is full of armors, weapons, jewelry, clothing, knick-knacks, powder, potions, and all manner of whimsical objects. Behind you, daylight pours in through the glass door which bears the name of your intended coffee shop in mirrored letters.
‘Well, what’ll it be?’”
Samroald has every published magic item from every TTRPG ever made, and he’s going to let you take one back home with you to the real world. What do you take and why?
This is so tricky. I could go the extravagant route and say “how about THE ORB OF DESOLATION to force all world governments to see me as a potent threat”, but I feel I’d get outsmarted and killed by some mercenaries pretty dang quickly. With that in mind, I’m going to think more practical. What’s an item that WON’T get me preemptively murdered by the French government for holding a weapon of mass destruction?
The answer is, ultimately, simple. I want a Clear Spindle Aeon Stone. Two reasons for this: number one, it’s a great fashion accessory. Floats around my head, looks nifty, really wows the crowd. That’s something that’ll get me noticed. But more importantly, the effects of this Aeon Stone are that once I’ve worn it for a week, I don’t need to eat food or drink water to survive. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine how much money I’d save? First off, forget eating healthy, this funky rock has that covered, I’m being given a healthy amount of nutrients by my radical little gemstone. Secondly, assuming I spend 30 bucks on grocery a week, or something. Boom, I can cut that down to like, 5 bucks, if I want to treat myself to a potato gratin or something. I won’t be hungry, I’ll just be able to do other stuff, maximizing my time usage, too. Oh, man, are there magic items that let you not sleep?! Imagine what I could do with… Four extra hours a day?! Is it painfully obvious I’m a 20 something college student yet?!
I am going to be honest with you right now. The Sleeves of Many Garments are calling to me. I will never have to buy new clothing again. My wallet will be saved. The aesthetics? Unimaginable. At the drop of a hat, I could be wearing whatever I want. God forbid they let me wear a suit of armor, because my power will become immeasurable. Cosplay becomes the easiest hobby, and I’ll always look perfect. New trends? I can follow them without desperately searching thrift stores for the perfect sweater. I think in practicality. It might not be a wand that casts Heal, or some item that would let me teleport anywhere, but I’ll look hot. So I think I’m the real winner here.
Easy. I ask him for the bag of weasels from Pathfinder 2e. You might think this is a bad answer and here’s why you’re wrong and stupid- The average price of a weasel in America is between about $50-$250. $450 tops, depending on how luxurious. Let’s say I can sell a weasel for a generous price of $150. Let’s also say I have a 72 pack of Ticonderoga #2 pencils, unsharpened. It’s sitting in my closet and I have no greater use for it other than this. I place each individual pencil INTO the bag of weasels. This is a money laundering scheme.
Now you might be saying ‘wait’, and I hear you, but shut up. I know, the items you place into the bag only have about a 50/50 the item actually turns into a profitable weasel- but I’m a cheater. So I place the un-weaseled pencils back into the bag for further weaseling. If I don’t give up or mentally check out during this weaselfication business I’m running, that’s a solid $10,800. Nothing to sneasel at.
I also hear you say- ‘won’t the pencil-weasel run away the second you pull it out of the bag though?’ And you’re right, but I hate you literally so much. Some weasels will be lost. I cannot deny this. As an unathletic former theater kid I stand absolutely no chance against the swift itty bitty legs of a weasel longing for freedom. But they can’t all run. My reflexes WILL get sharper. And they can’t weasel their way out this time. With the money from the first few weasels I manage to grab I will construct some kind of weasel containment area with the help of a stranger from Lowes that I found in the parking lot next to the cart return- of course compensated with weasel money.
Eventually though, with enough weasel sales, I’ll have satisfied the demand for these little furry demons, but by then I’ll be more than comfortable with my pile of weasel bag earnings
Samroald, the absolute moron, doesn’t know what he’s done to the weasel market.
I’ve heard from my guests; now I want to hear from you. Who’s your favorite character? Leave a comment below, on our Discord, or on Know Direction’s Facebook page.