Bardic Performance—Fighter

In lieu of today’s regularly scheduled post, I bring you this ridiculous parody song, based on Fighter by Christina Aguilera (though I sing it to the Darren Criss version). It’s about a player who has had issues playing a spell caster with their GM… So they learned how effective a Fighter can be…

(Intro, spoken)

After all that you put me through,
You think I’d despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
‘Cause you’ve made me that much stronger

(Sung)

Well I thought I knew you, thinkin’ you called it true
When your monsters were tough, fights so rough, cast my stuff
Couldn’t blow them up.
You were so quick to hide
their stats, and looking so snide
‘Cause your monsters SR is a shame,
And your too selfish for this game.

After all of the fudging and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know
Just how capable martials are too
So I wanna say thank you
‘Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me hit a little bit harder
It makes my build much tighter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made my saves a little bit higher
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes my feat list longer
So thanks for making me a fighter

<break>

Never saw it coming,
all your “high rolling” blame
Giving your dudes will saves
a big raise
before I’d realize your game
I heard you’re crying hordes
posting all over the boards
But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame
‘Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights with resists ’cause you’re wanting to beat me
But that won’t work anymore
No more
It’s over
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
‘Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me hit a little bit harder
It makes my build much tighter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made my saves a little bit higher
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes my feat list longer
So thanks for making me a fighter

Now I’ve got Weapon Training and
Armor Training, Bravery too.
Reactionary and Improved
Init, yeah, Going first is coo’.
You tried to add DR, hardness,
And high AC: you are fool.
But in the end you’ll see

YOU
WON’T
STOP
ME

I am a fighter and I
I ain’t gonna stop
Got Improved Overrun
N’Power Attack

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me hit a little bit harder
It makes my build much tighter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made my saves a little bit higher
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes my feat list longer
So thanks for making me a fighter

You thought I wouldn’t hit
But I connected
‘Cause I remembered
Weapon Focus
You thought I would just quit
But I relented
‘Cause I remembered
The bard’s performance!

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me hit a little bit harder
It makes my build much tighter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made my saves a little bit higher
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes my feat list longer
So thanks for making me a fighter

Vanessa Hoskins

Vanessa has been creating games and adventures since she was 10 and raided the family board games for dice while using her vast LEGO collection for minis and locations. Today, she has authored several Pathfinder and Starfinder Society scenarios including an interactive special. She’s also crafted adventures and encounters for multiple 3rd party publishers in addition to her devious class options appearing in both Paizo and 3rd party products. When not writing, running, or playing role-playing games, she enjoys narrative based video games, musical theatre, and spending time with her wife and their adorable cats.

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